San Quentin

Got the After-Easter blues.  This comes from being the Easter bunny, and consuming candy for the entire week before Easter, as I prepare baskets.  Then Easter itself, where I eat more candy.  And all this candy is in addition to regular food, of which I consume plenty.

So, basically, the blues come from not being able to get into my thin jeans.  Gotta wear my fat jeans.  And I am broken out.  Why am I battling zits at the same time as crows feet?  Is that really fair?  Oh, and I'm in a POISONOUS mood.  Wait- sounds like- PMS!  Or runaway hormones, whichever you would like to call it.  Also the huge crash that comes after consuming mass quantities of chocolate and Peeps and jelly beans.  It's pretty ugly, really, this body-detoxing stuff.

Out of the blue, I received a really nice e-mail from what seemed like a really nice man.  Good looking, according to his picture.  He wrote literate, well-formed sentences that actually made sense.  Only problem?  He's incarcerated.  For life.  Up the river.  In the big house.  I started thinking, what kind of woman goes to meet a man behind bars?  What kind of relationship could you possible have?  How could you trust someone like that?  And- how would you actually do the coffee-date-look-over?

My fertile imagination took over:

I picture myself going into the prison.  Leaving all my valuables and my epi-pen and my swiss army knife and anything else that could potentially be a weapon.  Dressed cute but not too cute- you don't want to be seen as trying too hard.  Maybe cute jeans that fit well- thin jeans, NOT the fat ones, and a flowey top that skims beautifully but doesn't cling, the kind that shows you have a shape.   Tough boots.  In other words- the usual.  I get to the visiting room, and go up to the greasy plexiglas, where he's waiting on the other side.  We both pick up our phones.  "Hi."  "Hi."

Where the hell does the conversation go from there?????  "So- whatcha in for?  Is murder all it's cracked up to be?  What do you do all day, in there?  Do you watch a lot of reality television?  Sports?  How 'bout those Giants?"   I just don't think I can make a love connection with someone behind bars.

Even though getting an e-mail from a new man interested in meeting you is a nice ego boost,  unfortunately I just have no interest in meeting him.  None.  Sorry.  Surprisingly enough, I do have some standards.

I think there are some Peeps left.  If not, right about now, all the Easter candy will be on sale for 75% off....